"Hey, do you know where the gays hang out?"

"Cause we want to go party someplace where people are wearing cellophane and jacking off."

This entire statement (including the title - I swear to god) was the question posed to me in a slurred, high pitched, & shaky voice earlier this evening as I was just about to take another bite of a delicious Double Bacon Burger (aka: the cause of my future heart attack) at the bar next to the iO Theater.
Needless to say, with a question of this nature posed to me, I had no choice but to temporarily abandon my meal and turn to address it. A dozen or so possible answers raced through my mind as I turned - none involving the locale of said cellophane wearing masturbators - but all were silenced when I saw who was asking.
It was a tiny hammered woman in her late 40's - early 50's sporting a Cubs hat and hanging on to the bar (yeah I was eating at the actual bar - closer to the beer) for dear life. All the while her two friends - a couple also in their late 40's - early 50's - were leaning against the wall behind her making out furiously - they were also sporting Cubs hats.

The conversation which proceeded this introduction was one of the more bizarre I've had in a while - and, if the other participants had been slightly closer to my own age (ok - really if they had just aged a tad bit better and been less creepy), might have ended with a story I could tell my grand kids about if I ever wanted to gross them out.

These three drunk and affectionate Cubs fans were apparently swingers who'd been having an off & on three-way since they met back in college (the on part was whenever the lady talking to me visited as she lived in Indiana) and tonight they were looking for a fourth (or more) for their post game celebrations - ideally, as I found out, a young bi-male as the ladies wanted to watch...*Shudder*.

To be honest part of me still regrets walking out of that bar so quickly after this conversation...
As I still had about a quarter of that Burger left and was slightly hungry the rest of the night.

I also heard this lovely tidbit the other day as I was getting off the El to go see a show:

"You know what we really need to do before we make a decision - we need to check to see if there are any Puerto Ricans living in that neighborhood, because you really don't want to live around those people."

Two little blond girls who were walking arm in arm together heading on to the platform as I was coming down the stairs said it. I'm not sure what became of them, but I like to think they ended sitting next a friendly Puerto Rican man - who perhaps through his kindness on that train ride taught them a lesson - or they were mugged by a couple of white kids later night.

Ahhhhh, Wrigleyville on a Cubs game day - truly an entertaining place to be.