Before I get to the specifics of this incident (oooh suspense - go me) let me regale you with what went on in my life this weekend (it's filled with near death experiences, drunken tom foolery, sex, gun play, & even more police - I shit you not).
So this weekend I took a road trip down to St. Louis, MO in order to film some sketch comedy and part of the pilot episode for a web based TV show I'm working on with some people (more details I'm sure will be in later posts).
Anyway the drive down there was fairly uneventful until I stopped to get gas at a rest stop along I-55. I pull into this crummy little exit shantytown about 100 miles or so outside of St. Louis. There's an Arby's, a shitty BP gas station, and not much else (though you can see more buildings including a sketchy motel a little ways down the road).
I pump my gas and run into to grab a coke as I'm seriously contemplating snagging some curly fries from Arby's on the way out, and would prefer a beverage with a secure lid to wash it down with - when suddenly the grungy old guy behind the counter starts cursing up a storm and leaps toward the front door. I turn and watch him go - only to see through the glass some yuppie SUV parked two pumps over from mine with a fucking river of gasoline flowing out from below it (and heading in the direction of two good ole boys around a beat up old truck who had a pack of cigarettes in their hands). Luckily the crazed yelling old man managed to keep them from lighting up long enough for the gas to be turned off and tragedy was averted (apparently the douche bag in the SUV turned on the pump and then ran over to grab some food from the Arby's....sigh).
Anyway I leave (sans curly fries) and make it into the city around 10:30pm. I immediately call up some friends and we head out at 11 to our favorite spot - the 3am bowling alley. While there
I overhear this gem of a conversation from three rather tipsy ladies on a girl's night out:
"Like oh my gawd - we were totally having phone sex, but we have video phones so we could totally see each other..."I then had to silent my friends as their inane questions about my life caused me to miss a bit though I picked it up again quickly:
"I was like moaning and he told me to find my vibe - and I was like yeah... but I totally couldn't find it anywhere. Still we totally managed to finish anyway thank gawd."This right here is proof on not only how technology is improving our lives (remember the dark ages when you could only describe how you were diddling yourself to your partner instead of showing him during phone sex), but also how dependent we have become on technology (with out their vibrators or detachable shower heads a lot of women would have Popeye forearms - or there would be more sexual assaults against men).
Sunday Morning I hopped down town in order to film - got to watch a very old man nearly die on the way as he tried to pull a U-turn on a very busy road and failed miserably, only to end up with his car perpendicular to the flow of traffic across two lanes waiting for the lanes on the other side of a rather large median to clear so he could drive across it and head back the way he came. When his car stopped like that I thought for sure he was dead as I had to slam on my breaks and I was pretty far back. Though watching him drive across the median later was amusing.
Later that night I went out again with friends - this time to famous Blueberry Hill where we drank and played darts (apparently I'm not bad). I got to almost witness a fight break out due to the drunk ape of a man next to us hurling darts at the boards like he was pitching major league baseball (though most of them missed and either embedded in the wall or bounced off due to an angle and almost hit people). The line that summed him and his crew up perfectly:
"Stop being a dick-bag Todd, you're just pissed cause you lost the bet last night and had to shave your head."The last bit of excitement came on my way back to Chicago. I was maybe halfway or so between the two cities when all of a sudden I see two cop cars - lights a blazing - hauling ass coming up behind me on the highway. Now I'm going like 85 (20 miles over) so my first thought is that I'm fucked and move to pull over - they shoot by me and quickly disappear. I thank my lucky stars and keep on trucking only to glance in my review mirror a few minutes later and see three of the bastards barreling down on me (at this point I think I might have run across some officers who got a hard on watching Super Troopers) and I move to pull over again. The three buzz by me like I don’t exist and I'm left wondering what the fuck is up ahead of me.
Anyway a few miles later I find out - I drive by an off ramp where I see around 10 state trooper cars surrounding two semi trailer trucks, that look to have been run off the road, with all the cops out of their cars, using them for cover with their guns in hand and pointed at the trucks. I only get to see it for a minute before I'm over a hill, but some serious shit was clearly going down.
Anyway to the reason for the Police Report - when I finally got back to Chicago it was around 5pm (and raining). I parked out side my apartment and went up to open my front door - got in the first door to the building no problem, but my apartment door was jammed - I couldn't open it (mind you it looked perfectly normal from the outside). So I trek around back through an alley, a wooden gate, into the fenced in back yard, and through a series of heavy dead bolted doors (guarded by dragons) and finally got into my apartment.
I walk to the front only to find that the wood paneling of the wall has been split - and is seriously fucked up - apparently while I was gone someone tried to break into my place by kicking in the front door. Thankfully the deadbolt on this thing is a monster and the door is heavy wood so it held and they didn't get in and all my stuff was fine.
Called my landlords, called the cops and then sat and chilled with my cat. In the end I found out there's a rumor that someone has stolen and copied the postal keys, which would allow them (and explain their) entrance through the main building door with out breaking it. Ahhh, what a wonderful end to a fun weekend.
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