I don't care what smooth line you give me I just ain't masturbating you. I got me a girl - we're separated, like a surgeon cut us apart - but I still got one. Now you can masturbate me - or you can give me some change, whatever works for you.
This is the wonderful bit of dialogue I caught while standing just outside of the McDonald's the other night around 2am (well actually it was more of a monologue I suppose) between a homeless guys and a young man. You see this McDonald's is open 24hrs - however after around 11pm/Midnight the dining room closes and it operates just it's drive through window and a nifty little walk-up window - perfect for all of us alcoholics who keep odd hours (but are just responsible enough not to be driving).
I was waiting for my food (if you can call it that) and just behind me were a group of young kind of preppy looking guys. I guessed they were probably early 20's sophmores in college somewhere in the city. Well a homeless guy saddles up besides the youngest and most uptight looking of these three guys - and then belts out the above (looking and sounding genuinely offended and aghast at the idea) while staring this kid dead on in the eyes (and to really give you an idea this guy looked filthy - long unkempt beard, maybe in his 50's, army jacket, missing some teeth, etc). People in McDonald's look at him, people walking by stare for a bit, and this kid looks like he was hit by a truck and turns bright red.
It was hilarious - and perhaps one of the best solicitations I've ever heard for money - at the very least it was effective. The kid quickly gave the guy a dollar just to get rid of him. Best part of all though, the moment the kid gave him the dollar the guy cracked a huge shit eating grin and said:
"Yeah I knew you were thinking about my dick."
And walked away laughing - you should've seen the kid's face, like a tomato and his friends gave him hell for it - it was the perfect end to a fun night out.
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